I Passed 30 Days!!

Today I realized I have been sober for over a month now. To some, that may seem like nothing. But to me, it's everything. A couple months ago, I wouldn't have been sober for more than a week. If I wasn't drinking, I was thinking about when I would be drinking again. My life had spiraled out of control and now I'm finally at a place in life when I can honestly say that I am happy. My life is finally manageable. I couldn't have made it this far without the constant support of my friends and family, so thank you. I have lost some friends along the way, but now I realize they weren't friends to begin with. But, for every friend I've lost, I've gained 2 more. Nobody said recovery was going to be easy, and it certainly hasn't been, but I'm proud to be sober and I hope to continue along the path of sobriety for a long time.

Rethink Your Life

Just some motivation for my blog viewers. Something about this video always gives me that extra push I need to get going. It's time to rethink your life, make a change. Only you can do it.

PS. I promise I'll post a new blog entry tomorrow. I've been super busy with school and personal matters this last week. Sorry!

Dear Friend...

I saw this today and HAD to share...

Dear Friend,

I've come to visit once again. I love to see you suffer mentally physically spiritually and socially. I want to have you restless so you can never relax. I want you jumpy and nervous and anxious. I want to make you agitated and irritable so everything and everybody makes you uncomfortable. I want you to be depressed and confused so that you can't think clearly or positively. I want to make you hate everything and everybody-especially yourself. I want you to feel guilty and remorseful for the things you have done in the past that you'll never be able to let go. I want to make you angry and hateful toward the world for the way it is and the way you are. I want you to feel sorry for yourself and blame everything but your addiction for the way things are. I want you to be deceitful and untrustworthy, and to manipulate and con as many people as possible. I want to make you fearful and paranoid for no reason at all and I want you to wake up during all hours of the night screaming for me. You know you can't sleep without me; I'm even in your dreams.

I want to be the first thing you wake up to every morning and the last thing you touch before you black out. I would rather kill you, but I'll be happy enough if I can put you back in the hospital, another institution or jail. But you know that I'll still be waiting for you when you come out. I love to watch you slowly going insane. I love to see all the physical damage that I'm causing you. I can't help but sneer and chuckle when you shiver and shake, when you freeze and sweat at the same time, when you wake up with your sheets and blankets soaking wet.

It's amazing how much destruction I can do to your internal organs while at the same time, work on your brain, destroying it bit by bit. I deeply appreciate how much you sacrifice for me.

The countless good jobs you have sacrificed for me. All the fine friends that you deeply cared for-you gave them up for me. And what's more, for the ones you turned against yourself because of your inexcusable actions-I am more than grateful.

And especially your loved ones, your family, and the most important people in the world to you. You even threw them away for me. I cannot express in words the gratitude I have for the loyalty you have for me. You sacrificed all these beautiful things in your life just to devote yourself completely to me. But do not despair my friend, for on me you can always depend. For after you have lost all these things, you can still depend on me to take even more. You can depend on me to keep you in living hell, to keep your mind, body and soul. FOR I WILL NOT BE SATISFIED UNTIL YOU ARE DEAD, MY FRIEND.

Faithfully yours,

Your addiction and drug of choice

Off To A Good Start

08/18/2014

Hi. My name is Alex and I’m terrible at remembering to blog every day. Sorry not sorry. Today’s topic was “I Am An Addict”: Identification and Denial. My IOP leader, Beth, felt that none of us in our group we’re denying that we had a problem. We all can admit that there is something wrong and it needs to be fixed. So, instead of discussing denial, we discussed what the reasons we told ourselves it was ok to drink/use when we got cravings. We all had to write on the board some of the reasons we came up with…here are a few:

• You are more fun when you’re drunk
• You’re more confident and better looking when you’re drinking
• Drinking makes the pain go away
• You’re good at hiding the fact you’re using
• Weed is going to be legal soon
• Everyone is doing it
• Nobody will know you’re doing it
• It’s easier to drink/use then it is to fight this constant battle

                Everyone had their own reasons behind why they did/do what they do. Our minds are always giving us false reasons and excuses to why it’s ok to use or drink just this one time. But what our minds don’t tell us, is that if we do it just this once, it’s going to happen again. And again. Once you start, it’s hard to get out again. That’s why it’s so important to recognize the signs of relapse before it’s too late.

                I’m really enjoying going to group during the week. I wish it was a daily thing. I always leave group in a great, happy mood. I love it. The people are amazing, and even though I barely know them, I love them to death and would do anything for them. After group today, I had an individual meeting with my IOP leader. We set up a plan and she gave me some things to work on. I’m looking forward to what happens next time we meet. (:

I've Been Slacking...Sorry!

Well, I’m already having a difficult time getting myself to write each day. I really should work on that…it really defeats the purpose if I don’t make an effort to write daily. Let’s go back a few days…

I last wrote on 08/13/2014, after my first session of IOP. Since then, it’s been sorta up and down with everything. Hence why I didn’t write Thursday-Sunday. Starting Thursday night, I started experiencing PAWS (post-acute withdrawal symptoms). I went to an event that night and was around alcohol, which I believe is what triggered it. I got really anxious and felt sick, but part of me wanted that to happen. I feel like I need to experience those types of things to keep me on the right path…if that makes sense. In my future, I’m going to be around alcohol and bars, I can’t completely avoid them. I need to know what to expect when I do get thrown into these situations, so experiencing it can help prepare me…in my opinion. Over the weekend, I felt really itchy. I know that sounds weird, but it turns out that is related to anxiety and nerves. I was fighting the cravings and urges in my mind, so my body freaked out. My mind isn’t used to me saying ‘no’ to alcohol, so it caused a series of symptoms to occur.

• Itching
• Anxiety
• Upset stomach/nausea
• Lack of focus
• Unable to process things/get my words out
• Mood swings

Over the weekend, I was extremely irritable over the littlest of things. Seriously. It was the worst. Everything and everyone made me want to scream and punch them in the face. All that caused me to feel extremely tired. The combination of the two was just not a good mixture so I felt the need to isolate myself and take naps for a few hours, which surprisingly helped a lot.

Honestly, if I was in any other type of situation, I would've tried to look for a way out. If I was not in the place I am right now, I would've done what I could to find some alcohol. I'm glad I'm surrounded by the people I live with and the people in my IOP group. They kept me from making the wrong decision and throwing the last couple days out the window. 

I ended up calling my IOP leader Friday afternoon and talked to her about all the things that were bothering me. She told me what I was feeling was normal because I was finally getting to where I need to be in my life. My brain and body isn’t used to this sudden change of sobriety, so it freaked out a little. Extremely common in the first 2 years of sobriety (Awesome…2 years of this crap -.-). That was extremely reassuring to find out though. It means I’m doing the right thing.

Besides all that crap, the rest of my weekend was pretty great. I made dinner, had a few laughs, and did a couple job interviews (fingers crossed). Besides the PAWS, I had a wonderful past few days. (:

Day 1: Here. We. Go.

08/13/2014

It's my third day in Nevada, and my first day of IOP at Solutions Recovery. I'm honestly not sure what to expect and it makes me sick to my stomach thinking about everything. Today's topic is "Medical Aspects" and it's going to be taught by Dr. Joseph Bradley. He is a guest speaker that will be coming in for a couple more sessions throughout the 8-week program.

When I first get to IOP, I’m the only one there. Not long after, a couple more people start coming in the room. By 11:45, there is about 7 us including the IOP leader. We start out the session with a “check-in”. Basically, we talk about what has happened in our lives since the last session on Thursday the week before. It gives our leader a chance to monitor our recovery and give us tasks to work on. Being that it was my first time, I just had to share my story of why I was there in the first place. I was extremely nervous. I’m not one to express my feelings verbally, so it took a lot in me to confess to the things I had done. After I finished, a few people spoke up and told me they were once in the same place I am right now and they would always be there for me no matter what I did or chose to do. It was honestly really assuring for me to hear that. It was nice to see that I wasn’t the only one experiencing these things.

After check-in, we went to listen to Dr. Bradley speak about the medical aspects of addiction. The center I am attending is for multiple types of addiction, not just alcohol. He spoke about where in the brain addiction is processed and how it affects us and our actions. He explained that our brains are fully developed at age 4, and when we’re using, our brains are at that 4 year old stage of “gotta have it now”. You want the drug/drink, and you want it now. He talked about how people complain about meetings and not fitting their schedule while in recovery, but when they’re using their drugs, they’ll do anything and everything in their power to get their hands on that drug. He explained to us that we need to have that mentality with treatment: gotta have it NOW.

The entire time Dr. Bradley was talking, I felt anxious. I was very fidgety and distracted. My hands were also very clammy. I had never experienced symptoms like that in the past. I feel like it was hard for me to sit there and think about the effects drinking had on me and my brain. I’m at the early stages of recovery still, so I’m most likely having “withdrawal” symptoms. Symptoms commonly found during alcoholism recovery. I feel like today was my first real wake-up call that I might actually have a problem.

I’m still not comfortable talking about it outside of IOP in person. I see the pain it causes the people around me that I don’t express my thoughts and feelings, but I hope that IOP will help me to open up and express my concerns for my problems. I’m still not fully believing myself when I say, “Hello, my name is Alex, and I’m an alcoholic…”

But you know what they say, denial is a sign of alcoholism…so we’ll see…

Dr. Joseph Bradley: http://www.theaddictiondoctor.com/

Hello. My Name Is Alex and I'm.......?

Hello. My name is Alex. And maybe I'm an alcoholic. Maybe I'm not. I haven't quite decided yet. Could this be a problem? Yes. Is this a phase, or do I truly have a problem? I honestly have no idea. But I do need help. I do know I can't do this on my own. I've tried to do this on my own without success. I hit rock bottom and continued to keep falling deeper. This is my story...

In August 2013, I left home to start my own life in Utah and attend college for the first time. I was living in luxury off-campus student living, I had awesome roommates, I knew what I wanted and where I was going in life. I was in a new place, with an entirely new crowd. I knew a couple people from home, but everything else was so new and exciting. It was perfect.

Then school started and I started meeting new people and making new friends. Some of these new friends were good influences, but for the most part, I started lingering around the wrong crowd. At the time, I didn’t see the influence they had on me and my life. I started going to parties. I had never partied before. These parties had alcohol. All sorts of alcoholic drinks I didn’t know even existed. Besides the occasional taste back home, I had never drank before.

Drinking at the first party started a chain reaction of crazy partying. One party led to the next, and before I knew it, it would be 4am the next morning. For the first half of the semester, I would go to my early morning classes hungover, with little to no sleep. I kept my partying to the weekends at first. But halfway through the semester, I decided I could party during the week as well. BIG mistake. I was partying too much and not sleeping enough…thus leading me to sleep through or skip my classes. Therefore, causing me to completely fail my first semester of college. I went from a 3.6 GPA transferred from high school, to below a 1.0 GPA in 4 months.

As if things weren’t falling apart already, I received a MIP (Minor in Possession) for underage drinking. I had never gotten in trouble with the law before. That should have been my wakeup call. I stopped partying and drinking for a couple weeks, but not much longer than that. The stress got to me and I began a battle with an eating disorder which led to minor depression. The only way I could think to make these bad feelings go away was to drink. I remembered how confident I was at parties, and how extremely happy I was when I was drinking. And thus my drinking habits began again…

In June 2014, I received my second MIP. I was on probation for my first MIP, so not only was in trouble for underage drinking, but I was also in violation of probation. At this point, I still hadn’t quite grasped the fact I might have a problem. I put aside my family’s pleas for me to stop and get help. I didn’t see what the problem was. By now, I was unemployed and about to be homeless. I had crazy amounts of debt because I used my money for alcohol and partying instead of bills. My outside support had been cut off. I was in the deepest hole possible, and my ladder wasn’t quite tall enough to escape.

A couple weeks ago, I received a call from my aunt in Nevada. She offered me a new start. A chance to escape the hole I had dug myself into. A new beginning. I got approved by my judge to leave the state and move to live with my aunt and family. It was my chance to clean the messes I had made. I enrolled in Solutions Recovery in Las Vegas and got signed up for Level 2 IOP (Intensive Outpatient Program), an 8 week program consisting of three 3-hour meetings a week. As well as the group meetings, I have the option to participate in family meetings, individual meetings, and sober recreational activities.

And that brings us to now, 08/13/2014…I’ve told you my story. I now invite you to join me on my recovery journey as I find myself and learn to accept the help necessary to be in control of my life once again...